


For Science

by egocentrifuge



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Crack, M/M, Multi, there is no plot and the porn is also crack, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 12:54:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3693063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egocentrifuge/pseuds/egocentrifuge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hour two: Dicks are out," Ryan mutters. His thumbs move across his screen.</p><p>"Are you tweeting, too?" Jack demands. "You never tweet. Let me have this."</p><p>"Too late," Ryan says. He tucks his phone away. "Well, Ray?"</p><p>"I'm telling you, I'm not proving shit like this. Can't I just give someone a hand job and let them decide?"</p><p>--</p><p>The AH Crew gets stuck at the office. They experiment. A clipboard is almost involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Science

The AH Crew is stuck late filming after a power outage makes them lose their footage. Everyone sensible has gone home, citing the freak snowstorm as simply too freaky to handle, but no one could ever accuse the Achievement Hunters of being sensible.

It's thus that they're still in the office when the power cuts out a second time. After the one flashlight with batteries is retrieved by a phone-led and cursing accompanied expedition, the group crowds around the front door and stares out into the parking lot.

"Yeah, we're not going anywhere," Geoff sighs. "Might as well make ourselves comfortable, boys."

After much bickering and excuses, they have all of the office's various sofas arranged on the set of the RT podcast. It was generally agreed to be the least horrible option, and so the group camps there with their single lamp casting more shadows than light.

Predictably, it is Gavin who breaks the silence.

"Ryan," he starts. "If we're stuck here long enough that you have to kill one of us and eat the body, who would it be?"

"Uh, hmm. Ray."

"Please no," Ray says, then, "Why me?"

"You don't drink as much as the rest of these bastards," Ryan answers easily. "The meat's better."

"Yeah, but he's all stringy," Jack argues. "Go for Michael, he's more muscular from the Lazer Team filming."

"Fuck you, I was muscular before."

"Well, not really," Gavin hedges. Ryan talks through Michael's rebuttal.

"He'd be harder to kill than Ray, though."

"Not if you had a gun," Geoff contributes.

"Well, anyone would be easy to kill if you had a gun, but we're stuck in the office, right? Who here has a gun?"

"I might," Geoff says. Jack rolls his eyes.

"I'd eat you, Ryan," he says. "Nice mix of lean and fat."

"Gee, thanks," Ryan says dryly. Michael pauses in the middle of giving Gavin a noogie and looks over.

"Ryan, do you lift weights?"

"Sometimes. Less now than I did."

"Do you get calluses on your hands?"

Ryan presents his palms for inspection. They're smooth save for a few scars and a bit of roughness just under his fingers. Michael turns his over and there's a multitude of calluses in various states of healing.

"Gross," Gavin supplies. "Can you feel them when you bung one out?"

"When I what?"

"Jack off," Geoff translates.

"I'm not on," Jack says cheerfully. Geoff swats at him absently; Michael shrugs.

"Sometimes, I guess? If one is like, coming off, I can feel--"

Gavin interrupts him with his dry retching.

"You asked, boi," Michael laughs.

"I have these bumps on my hands from holding the xbox controller," Ray speaks up. He holds up his hands and, sure enough, there are bumps where he indicates. Geoff makes a noise of disgust, but Gavin is leaning forward again.

"Do you feel them?"

"What, on my dick?" Ray laughs. "I don't normally pay attention, Vav."

"Do it now."

"Jack off?"

"Still not on," Jack says.

"Yeah," Gavin says. "Go to the bathroom, or the office or sommit. Come back with a report."

"I'm not going into the darkness, Gavin. That's how people get murdered."

Gavin shrugs. "Do it here, then. We're all friends."

"No way," Ray says amidst the protestations.

"Twenty bucks if you do," Geoff calls.

"Deal."

Ray is reaching for his belt when Ryan throws up a hand.

"Thirty dollars if you don't," he says wearily. Everyone looks to Geoff, who has his wallet out. After a brief search, he pulls out a number of bills.

"Sixty four dollars for you to get your dick out," he announces. Everyone looks back to Ryan, who sighs.

"I'd rather Ray jack off than up that offer," he says. Jack opens his mouth, but this time Ryan shoves his shoulder before he can speak.

"Hand it over, Ramsey," Ray says. "Unless anyone wants to pool together?"

There's a general round of dissent. Ray pauses, but shrugs.

"Cool," he says. A deft shimmy and a zipper later, his dick is in his hands. Michael, Gavin, and Geoff crane forward to get a better look; Ryan and Jack busy themselves with their dying phones.

"Can you feel the bumps?" Gavin insists. Ray strokes experimentally down his shaft.

"It's too cold, dude. I can't feel shit." He tries again before sighing. "Have I earned my money yet?"

"Not until we get a scientific answer," Geoff says primly.

"Hour two: Dicks are out," Ryan mutters slowly. His thumbs move across his screen.

"Are you tweeting, too?" Jack demands. "You never tweet. Let me have this."

"Too late," Ryan says. He tucks his phone away. "Well, Ray?"

"I'm telling you, I'm not proving shit like this. Can't I just give someone a hand job and let them decide?"

There's serious debate as to the validity of this idea. In the end, they all compare hands; Jack is found to have the smoothest palms, so Ryan and Ray switch positions to allow Ray to work.

"What are you going to spend your money on, Ray?" Michael asks as they wait for Jack to undo his belt.

"I don't know, probably tacos."

"Jack on," Jack announces. His dick is in his hand. There are several polite murmurs as to its size, which Ray cuts off when he wraps the hand they had determined most bumpy around the dick in question.

"Aren't you going to talk dirty?" Gavin asks after a few moments have passed. Ray doesn't pause in his work.

"Come on, Jack. It's for science."

"All that delectable data," Ryan adds.

"Dicklectable," Michael says seriously.

"Mmm," Ryan rumbles. "Dicks. Are you feeling it, Jack?"

"Stop talking to me in my own voice," Jack complains. He doesn't sound particularly into it.

"Can you feel the bumps?" Gavin insists. Jack shrugs.

"Not really? It just feels like cold Puerto Rican hands."

"Huh." There's silence for a few more moments, before Gavin speaks up again. "Michael, you try. Your hands are gross."

"Ryan's are grosser," Geoff says.

"Yeah, but according to you, so are Jack's. Same voice and same hands. It'd be too much like masturbation."

"Try someone else, then. Michael, you're next to him."

"Am I getting paid?"

"It's for science, dude."

Michael reaches for his belt with a sigh. "You heard him, Ryan. It's for science."

"Yeah, yeah." There's silence as the second duo gets set up, save for a muttered, "Jesus, it's like theatre all over again," on Ryan's part.

"Well," Michael provides after a minute. "His hands are bigger. I can feel that."

"So big," Ryan says dryly. "Feel how big it is."

"Whose fingers would you most want up your arse?" Gavin asks Geoff. Geoff doesn't hesitate.

"Yours. They're all delicate and shit. Probably wouldn't feel a thing."

"Oh yeah?" Gavin scoots forward. "Bend over, then. For science."

"Doesn't there need to be a clipboard for it to be science?" Ray asks. He's still jerking Jack off absently, eyes wandering between the pairs.

"Well find a clipboard later," Michael promises. He tilts his head back, swallowing hard. "After repeating the experiment."

"For science," Ryan drawls. He and Ray look at each other contemplatively.

"Jack off," Jack grunts. He's coming on Ray's hands a moment later.

"Did you feel the bumps?" Gavin demands. He's leaning over Geoff, who's bent over the armchair with his pants around his knees.

"Not really."

"Huh. Someone find a clipboard and write that down."

The experiments continue with various variables and test subjects until well into the night. They never find a clipboard, but end up recording the data via the twitter accounts of whomever has the most battery at any different conclusion.

They're still experimenting when the power comes back on, leaving them free to wander back to editing, recording, or otherwise occupying themselves. Instead, they plug their phones in and continuing gathering data until the next morning. Ray delivers the appropriate "No homo," and all is good.

"All is well," Gavin corrects. Gus shows up with bagels before Ryan can eat him.

\- fin

**Author's Note:**

> find me at egocentrifuge.tumblr.com


End file.
